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late 2023-2024 new years update: ah shit im back and time to clean up the word vomit i have left throughout the year. oops. general trigger warning for entries, idk theres probably some wild but in the dumb way things in here i've yet to clean up. and stuff i will post not meaning to clean so if youre like i dont wanna look at stuff pertaining to suicide, self harm drugs and some other stuff etc then here is your warning. idk why anyone reads though its just me being self absorbed and mad thats it, though i am writing more stuff about other topics but ill probably move them elsewhere so if i have something helpful u dont have slog through shit. [text in these brackets means ive come back and edited it, MOST edits were done dec 2023]. dont take when i address "you" serious im likely arguing with myself or assumptions of assumptions not real people. idk this is more for me than anyone else.

28/01/24

2:00 so uh yeah ive calmed down. that was awful. im glad i document these cause its like fucking hell its not normal sometimes im like "idk im a teenager" but dawg suicide isnt normal. well idk its a constant in human history and i think today its almost normalised but in this weird way where "it is what it is" but also youre looked down on for doing it. anyways. well guess what haha dbt skill check the facts haha hehe hoho yeah. idk im glad i feel better and that was a short episode. now i feel ok. i need to sleep. i kinda wanna stay here. with you. site. i love you. im awesome at parasocial relationships, in fact so awesome im having one with imaginary people! you! great.

ok good night then. i set my alarm. i think i know what i will wear. don't know. thanks for sticking with me. even if its just myself. thanks myself. youre there when noone is and i didnt sh, besides signing up for that forum (idk its so funny to me now [yo its kinda chill i just play the forum games like lighthearted yes or no questions lol]), nobody is burdened cause i told noone hahaha in fact since i deleted my acc i have done big favours to everyone! im great. i should pray. i dont know how praying works for different people and things. but i try my best. i felt something. i do have a chaos magic approach so to me if it works it works. not even work i just like connecting with different spirits. like hello! except for recently actually i got scared there was an evil ghost it wasn't nice but also i could've been stressed out and things get bad when ur stressed and u see things and its dark and youre already scared people are out for you. dude i just want my meds.

you know you realise some day, you just realise you understand that there are many things you dont understand. some animals cant see most colours we do. some see more. i cant comprehend it, well moreso the animal who sees more. i always try to crack why i have to be me. like very literally cause i would rather be born me than a baby bird doomed to burn for 39483 hours in a forest fire. like you are conscious. i am. what seperates us? ive mentioned in a past entry i believe. metaphorically halve your brain; which side do you go? ragh i rly need to sleep. hours pass like sand in the wind.

9:00
i woke up and ate idk if ill go i have no money i feel terrible if i eat there and stuff and dont give back i dont know its the only reason bc im not scared i looked at the website, ik where im going, it shouldnt be awful but like im broke. and ik you dont HAVE to but i feel bad in the first place and if its like a pass the plate thing yeah i cant lol. its 5 mins away so i might be able to sort SOMETHING out but yeah. idk i wanna go but its that one thing. ALSO im dumb its 8am-10pm prayers. oh well i woke up earlier than expected so its a start to fixing my sleep schedule. i wonder what else is on cause i also was planning on going to a queer group up north but its a bit far away and starts at 10 and there was no "this is on tomorrow" instagram post. idk. ill see if anything else is on today. if not ill get back into reading all my books and listening to project zomboid vids. im scared of pz but i like how u get skills from reading and watching and learning and idk makes reading more interesting.

11:00
yeah im not getting professional help. why bother? my instincts are out of proportion at times, but im usually not fully wrong. ill just be seen as "malingering", and a drain and someone who doesnt deserve help. now i can agree with the latter part, but i dont understand how feeling so awful equals some kind of gain for me. its actually quite embarrassing for one and causes more problems. ill fix myself.

13:42
collecting some resources and researching. im still confused its like i am a different person when i get so upset. i want to paint. grrr the voice is being mean to me its like "you just want to be a tortured artist you stupid bitch". but the art i make when im not feeling well is usually shit! i just want to paint cause i want to. mannn i need to finish my resume. its basically done i literally just need to fill in certificate things.

14:35
i need to clean up this site. i need to clean up a few things. i need to fuck around on that broken phone. maybe im not sick and im just an awful person im stuck in this loop of thought about whats up w me i dont know what to think. i know i dont do myself all the favours and i should love myself or something but i dont know am i just making myself sick when i am not sick in the first place??? i always arrive at this question for years i have no idea. i just feel like im going insane alone. i have no outside perspective, i tried to ask some people but its like they dont really see the guts of my thoughts and feelings.

16:00
cleaned up some stuff. i wonder if theres a way i can enter some peer support/group. idk. i just need a group not to really talk about shit i do here all the time. tho sometimes i do. irl support is underrated. because i feel this and i want to give this to people i see online when i talk to them or try to give advice, i wish i could be with them irl. idk i feel like theres more relief for people, just being around someone when theyre upset (if thats what they need im sure theres many whod want nothing more than peace and quiet time to time). but like just to do stuff together that helps or just hang out and not be alone 24/7 you know. i just dont trust medical professionals i dont know i keep seeing them talk weird about patients online and ive had bad experiences except w one guy who cried when i told him that??? idk what to make of that but he was a g.

I'm so caught up on getting mad about feeling irrationally in the first place and I don't really value what I do to get back to base zero; not losing my shit. Like it took a bit but I feel fine now because I ran through what actually happened and I was like yo why do I hate myself over this? I did nothing too wrong, I'm just scared this guy's gonna whoop my ass and I'm scared I've done something unforgivable, and people are really upset and will shun me haha. And thats good right??? I mean to feel ok sooner and sooner, recognising the train of thought even if it seems silly to others that I care so much in the first place. I try to discard my "epiphany" thoughts sometimes but I think they're a bit useful now that I think about it and I'm glad I wrote them down. I'm so caught up in observing to critisize myself instead of allowing myself to be irrational (and allowing myself to do what I need to, to try self regulate) and allowing myself to be wrong about things. I get very negative sometimes and the lens is so strong; I feel like any positivity I make is for some evil reason, or so useless that I may as well give up. Also I used to obsess over "how bad can i be? im not good enough so ill just act out and self destruct see how you fuckers like that now if anyone cares", now I feel like im flipping the same coin where its like I'm so obsessed over where I fuck up and if I'm recovering and if I'm really sick or just faking and all that. I'm gonna be real cause I'm the realest bitch when it suits me but alot of it is image. I can't stand the thought of someone else looking down on me, without me having control over that. Either I'm doing great I'm soooo wellness girl haha or yeah I'm a loser and dying but it's my choice and these are my reasons. I'm kind of just looking for approval but I go crazy because I'm a lone ant on the internet going insane!

Like at the end of the day, someone will always look down on you. You will always be a loser to someone, reasoning or making a case to them does not work (it makes it worse because they will just assume the worst), and you only know what you think and feel and go through.

I'm just going to switch to like (somewhat) proper grammar when talking from a serious grounded point it just helps me filter random word vomit and important things. Also I'm thinking about like the meta-human experience. Not the company. But social media is most definitely involved. I kind of have a theory, a piece of the puzzle, hoohoo. It's basically about how we have so much information and constant commentary on people that usually we would not care about if the internet wasn't real or would simply be considered "oh that odd guy down the road I guess" is put on blast and I think, well for me at least, it influences how we think. And I don't think it's just me because a more noticable instance you see these days is either we don't share our true opinions or we are so contrarian. Everything is analysed, idolised then shut down.

eugh im typing so much but idk i feel like thats nessesary while im in an ok mood. i think ima get back on track sorry idk why am i even sorry noones watching, neutrally noone cares. if you do then chances are ive never met you and maybe youre a bit like me because why would you read this if you werent curious, nosy or maybe relate. or im right and ive probably wronged or irked you in some way. then pls talk to me about it i have a contact page.

27/01/24

22:32
[big awful suicidal rant sry its so funny to me now but i really felt awful]

23:47
lanas music is so comforting. im sorry im not strong and not happy. i dont know. ive calmed down. i might have a shower and get comfy because i need to sleep. to be honest i dont know why i was so excited to go to church i might not end up going but i need to go or ill beat myself up about not going to an event. im not a good person. i know the last place i can go to talk to someone if i need. maybe even get better. fucking stupid govt blocked the site but its so dumb. theres a recovery section and boohoo man i just want to be at peace none of the people who ban it care or understand. also vpn ftw fuck you. i ont know.

do you guys wanna read my poems? theyre mostly bad i only like one or two of them. i dont know. where would i put them? i dont feel like building a new page. i dont even want to add stuff in the newer ones i made. well you dont speak its just a mirror for myself and what i think you think so ill figure something out. also i hate this sites profile title like great i dont want people looking for me you just think im awful i know. im not disagreeing just leave me alone. im sorry. im like a dog i leave fur in the form of human awfulness everywhere im so cringe time to clean up more of my stuff. i dont know. i feel awful. i need to clean up so much. i wish i could speak about what i really want with other people without having to make it shitposty or whatever.

its funny actually ok ill recount what kinda made me snap someone posted a shitpost video on this okbuddy sub right and i was like lol cause the video wasnt serious it was making fun of the horny ppl, and i was like lol and added on the shitpost in a tame manner. then someone commented shut up and idk why like that person did nothing wrong and i looked and he comments shut up on a regular basis but i still got paranoid this person meant it very personally and all that shit then i just thought about every other awful thing ive done. the more i think, the more im not sure anyone is mad and i dont think i did anything wrong except be like wtf why that edited pic (i dont like it but who am i to police others i didnt say any opinion i was just like "not that pic omfg" idk people wouldbe gotten mad if i said i dont like it or i like it either way i dont tho it doesnt look like a joke edit or something that was like acted and agreed on in a piece of published work. also i dislike realistic edits of real ppl like bodyswap shit in general istg whenever i see that one lana edit of the art gallery) but besides that funny vid because it was satire and then added onto the shitpost. idk man it just made me spiral not that guys fault dont care hes just chilling and hoenst and thats fine lets be fr but it made me paranoid like idk what i did wrong i was trying to be nice because that was a high effort shitpost even though its completely not up my alley its an okbc sub tf else is gonna be there except dumb shit and SOME PEOPLE ARE SERIOUS! fuck people. ok thats excessive but like dude. ok u see why im alone u see u see its taken me literally 7 hours to debrief w myself on one anonymous online comment and be like yo maybe it was cringe to show appreciation of how shittily good/awful the video was (like the asctual video's comment section....?) but that guy was just being a dick and i did nothing that wrong. i dont think it was just that guy but like a bunch of things like im just constantly scared people are gonna turn on me or look at me and think yah i deserve to die and that "shut up" was the final straw (dw i didnt respond anything i wouldnt do that omg). like yeah there are times i am srs and use the srs tag because i actually watch stuff to see the actors work (its cool bc i can watch a variety of things but have a familiar face and if i like it then awesome and i tend to really love some of her characters! but if not well i am a completionist so thats one piece of media off the list that i can confirm yah she was in that and i saw.) and i get invested in the plot and i find patterns accross things and idk its just an interest of mine so i use the srs one for infodumping abt it or i shitpost using shows content but like idk i think people get the wrong idea and presume people watch stuff for the wrong reasons like dawg shitposting is some bonus reward i genuinely like watching my fav actors work and im a good researcher and appreciate her interviews thats it, idrgaf about her past that. idk i just get the vibe people on that sub GENUINELY think you only watch stuff to wank or shitpost or you wanna marry the actor and the only thing out of those i do is shitpost, the rest i enjoy and would like to discuss seriously or share my joy for. idk im assuming peoples assumptions as i always do but i just needed to say.

im just so confused. well i deleted the entire account anyways. probably for the better because when notifications make you anxious or you check shit all the time also hoping for anyone to reply to your meaningless probably not funny comment then yeah. redditors are that mean but i think im just past my prime for being chronically online man i cant deal w anything but dedicated forums not even general anon boards but also most anon boards are gross too even the girl ones cause theyre all transphobic. i dont know. im still upset because im tired of like the smallest things leading to this crazy train of thought where i feel i need to hurt myself. its like every part of my brain is poisoned by my own self. i feel like i cant go anywhere like i dont know. like theres always a reason i am defect. even when its a lighthearted environment. i feel like people are following me around maliciously. i really wanted to fill up the infodump part of the site but now not so much. ehhh anyways time to go shower and get tea and set my alarm. i feel too unstable for this shit so its good i deleted my account. also noone wants to hear me talk which is fair ig. [idk i know now ppl arent out for me NOW i think id hear about it but fr its so embarrassing i get so afraid]

25/01/24

2:55
[my dumbass discovers jesus then gets scared by a ghost but i think i was just tired and stressed]

12:31
[something]

22:09
[idk]

[yea]

24/01/24

22:35
feeling vile rn dont really care beat up my arm. i dont know i felt really at peace and like i figured things out but now i just feel shit. its always like this though. fake epiphanies and then what. im just living. ok maybe my epiphany kinda was real. im still mad. but not everything i feel or do is something to be judged. or would be judged in real life cause who knows about all this. i dont know. i just typed this thing up of like im not really in the wrong or right for hurting myself i dont know why i get so caught up in the morality of it. i do and thats it i guess everything is rocks hitting eachother. i have a million tangents to go about this, counterpoints, whataboutisms i just dont care for it today. i wanna hurt myself and guess what thats fine. im empathetic towards myself today actually that was apart of the epiphany. im so focussed on what other people percieve or make of my words and actions i dont take the time to go wow killing myself is kinda bad you know i DO feel bad for the me that wants to die so dont die take care of yourself. there. and i dont feel bad for wanting to die or hurt myself why do i need to prove myself or have people make shapes out of it maybe it just is. nobody cares. i do. about me. thats fine. everything just is what it is. i spend so much time thinking ABOUT things and its kinda the base of the internet you know you cant do things as much as you talk about them and its like holy shit im literally a human i dont think im meant to have all this input all the time on everything. output too i guess. i dont know. ive stopped myself from commenting personal opinions even if nice multiple times recently cause i was like who benefits from hearing it. i posted a petpeeve about people who think youre weird for not seeing a popular movie and some people didnt like it but you know next time someone does IRL im going to confront them on it yk not in a mean way but like if you mean anything other than to call me weird then pitch me the movie maybe see it with me. and the thing is with how i think, my mind instantly goes to "wow arent you a little prick for saying it" but i dont know i think i can and i will theres all these thoughts and things and its too much im always thinking about thinking about thinking. if i kill myself its cowardly or sad. why cant i just die and the only thing is that i just died? why assign words or honour or cowardice on it? im allowed to not think im an awful person for almost dying. it just is. i dont know.

im kind of sad. im waiting for sunday so i can go to church. so i just go to service and do what everyone else is doing. its a break from the internet i suppose. i wish i had friends here, maybe ill make some in church. i have no clue. i should be looking for jobs and ive looked for a couple hours today but ive kinda been putting actually applying off. i just wanna go to church i never thought id be saying this i just wanna check it out and hope they dont think im weird man thats it i just want to be somewhere and feel belonging thats literally it.

23/01/24

2:50
i went to a really nice beach, well two in the same kind of reserve. it was nice. intense dangerous beaches though. kinda. the ones in WA and tassie are crazy. also wrote poetry. its good for me because if i take a minmalist approach i can describe and say anything without fucking.... whatever is below this!

21/01/24

00:07
[paranoid]

13:00
[idk how to explain]

17:42
its really hard to know whats going on. i dont know if what i feel is normal i genuinely dont. i feel isolated i dont know. if i had an answer id accept it. yes or no id do the same things im just confused. like idk how to process myself or anything im simply confused. its not really an existiental crisis of OHMYGODTHEUNIVERSEISBIGDOIMATTER i dont care im thinking more micro im just confused like an ant in the middle of your house scratching its head and panicking. im dont know what is right and wrong or what to do or how to feel or where im going or what i want i kind of just want to kill myself but by saying all this i just look stupid. then what. it all leads to me being wrong. i dont even want to be right. i want to be left alone but i am left alone and i am wrong for it still. im so confused. who even is telling me im wrong. i just want to hurt myself. i say it so much its insiginificant and i should be quiet but its how i feel. i dont know if i need help its so hard for me to see how its so significant if i seek help it doesnt matter hurting myself doesnt matter its just wrong. its so hard for me to think that if i try i wont end up here cause i tried. im so confused because i dont even know what the problem is! maybe itd be "aha core beliefs" but its true its so hard for me to wrap my head around it when im right about being wrong. nothing feels real but its real enough for me to be discomforted by it. i want to talk to someone about it so bad man. where do i start? i have too much to say. noone would want to talk to me based on my blabbering here. its wrong i have enough time and allow myself to think this much! i dont even hate you anymore im confused and i wish youd tell me whats going on but you cant explain it, youve either worked teeth and bone or it just is and always has been. i just want to hurt myself i keep wanting to hurt myself i havent besides punching myself idk if it counts it hurt.

people say the solution is philosophy and im not a sage im not well read but ive read through a few things but im stuck again because i feel wrong and i dont know if i want what they want but then its wrong to want and i end up wanting to hurt myself it all leads to wanting to hurt myself or disappear and i dont understand why. if the answer is because ill do anything to do nothing... i feel guilty and i want to be nothing! im not even angry im just confused. why do i want to hurt myself all the time? if the answer is because im weak... well the loop continues. what's outside of the loop if i deserve bad things? is it because it's easier? i feel like if im not hating myself, if im not hating abstract concept of the "other" then im static and a rock. i dont know. i dont remember much its consciousness of emotions then emptiness then emotions.

18:49
[algorithm]

22:24
ok did one cut. head hurt it cleared up a bit. i need to cry i cant do this ive been trying to be alone for the past few months i need someone i still wont talk to anyone irl but i need someone i dont know. ill see what churches are doing. i dont even want to talk about my shit i just need to be around people and have something to look forwards to that is just there. im genuinely not okay, i went on a walk and it was 40 degrees out so i went when it was darker and there were bugs and people about and it didnt cheer me up like usual im not okay man im sorry i cant do this im trying to keep up but i cant. i still have 180 days to go which is comforting. its so hard for me to remember what i think and feel lately too

19/01/24

1:52
[lana]

16:23
[shit mood]

18/01/24

1:51
[in hindsight i did predict i was gonna be upset but i didnt expect it to be this long or get that bad]

22:31
[angry, scared].

23:24
[cockroach]

17/01/24

15:21
[life imitates art because art imitates life but after awhile the image fades]

i just pretend i dont care. deep down im so fucking desperate. beneath the anger, mental gymnastics and whatevrr fucking half baked mindset i wear deep down i am lost, i am desperate [ok hi future me ok im confused here i guess. i dont know how to word it i understand cause im thinkin it]

bro im watching this nikocado video his latest one fuck i feel for him man you know i hope he feels better soon idk.

i want to be in a painting of a warm crowd and feel like i belong and i want to live.

17:45
[rant but check these words out] im just talking to myself not you now which is weird. youre just. the awful voice in my head. constant. i dont like you. youre cruel, oppurtinistic, invalidating and a huge cunt. i dont know what joy you get from tormenting me before someone else does. if someone pisses me off on purpose i can just give them a good whack in the ribs. i tried i guess but it just hurts me. i spend so much time defending myself from you and getting angry but youre this constant force. a collection of ghosts of the past, people who no longer exist, people who throw their words out like gum on a sidewalk, grifters, people who dont me, people who very much do know me. why do you want to mimic them so much? i hope tomorrow is better. ill wash my hair tomorrow.

22:24
[sentence]

16/01/24

[my dumbass is a whore]

10/01/24

15:24
[i dont know why i just thought i was an awful person for accidentally missing a small sign]

09/01/24

12:35
i am good i went to the beach, i think my grandma is depressed though. idk what to do i wish i could help, i went by and we were planning to hang out but she was not feeling up to it and seemed very pessimistic. so i hope she is feeling a little better soon, i would ask my sister on what to do or not do because shes known her (shes not my bio grandma like i only met her recently lmfao) for longer but she seems sick too. so i went to a beach i haven't before and wowww. the water was clear, the surf looked great and it was just very nice besides the weird jellyfish that washed up. i would swim more if it weren't for the jellyfish. hmmm idk what i should have for lunch ahh. idk im in a good mood and i saw so many cute dogs running around. idk if ill go to the mall, i need to get a card for my friend, maybe tomorrow. ouughjhjf besides my muscles i feel great. goodbye.

23:43
i feel guilty, ashamed and slightly paranoid about [stuff]

08/01/24

13:53
[just know whatever was here made it into my unhinged rant hall of fame]

06/01/24

10:42
things have been pretty good. i've been going to the beach and wasting too much time on reddit which the latter isn't good, so rn i'm just gonna focus more on learning czech. i hate reddit cause theres useful stuff on there but i dislike alot of the people cause theyre annoying anyways i put it in rants. so yeah idk ima learn czech bc im bored, and the random pill sorter someone gave me was in czech lmfao, one of my online friends are czech, and bc of my fav character for the past few months. its kinda harder than i thought but idk thats not gonna stop me unless i lose interest.... LOL. well i came back to the site even to complain about reddit and write this so i have a little bit of hope. anyways idk im okay, i was gonna say happy, but happiness is tiring for me and gives me a buzzing headache i just want to be at peace. in a week ima look for jobs bc im going back to old town for a bday then when im back i can get on that grind. i think i have a plan of what i wanna do, i just wanna get settled and have some money first then ill shoot my shot. wowww look im doing okay. also havent cut in awhile, but jfc i keep track of everytime i want to, and its stillll everyday. but yeah ive been keeping my room clean which is a first LMFAO i got into folding konmari way so now my undergarment and sock drawers are looking good, and i haven't missed a skincare day yet so slay slay ig. i felt like an awful person for something small then i realised i did nothing wrong in that instance and im not a bad person, at least for that or anything in the past few weeks so yay.

13:12
ooh okay theres like alot more spiritually inclined people out there than i thought, just had a chat with one of my mother's friends about meditation and her spiritual stuff. idk i get where my mum comes from like she told me she can't journal without getting really mad, and finds it hard to medititate and same lowkey but its possible, its just finding the right reason and strategy to do so. i don't know. ate papaya. was nice. ughhhh im glad cause i got to replace some worn out clothes, and i figured out kinda stuff that looks good on me, so yeah i have basics all pat down. IDC if i look trashy and beachy like BITCH i am near the beach i am going to ENJOY it and look freakin awesome like lana del rey hawaiian unreleased type stuff but i am CHILLING. thanks. honestly today ill wait until evening or tomorrow to do anything i just want to chill and learn some czech. i would write some but idk how to configure my keyboard to czech without going insane help.

26/12/23

18:10
had a whole ramble yhou dont need to see it was christmas and christmas was good so ill leave it at that DONT FUCKIGN TOUCH THIS PAGE FUTURE ME YOU OVERTHINKING GRUB ok bye time to drink so if i type anything stupid future me you clean it up stupid

23/12/23

00:05
well its official im outta there. i dont even hate my old home i just hate everything else its a pleasant place in a mostly pleasant (though sometimes cold and dreary and lonely or soulless but still its nice) town i just wasnt happy and FUCK i dont wanna think about this fuck you im happy i woke up happy and it was GREAT. also our neighbours except for one dont hangout often or we just dont lol but they were nice saying bye damn i shouldve talked to them more. when i get settled in i should bake sugar cookies for the people next door.

also im happy rn cause my hair seems to be hairing :) yay. umm idk what else to say. usual shit i get upset at. fr idk im still stumped but hopefully i figure out a way to emotionally get better cause idk ive said or deleted a giant rant I HAVE IT FIGURED OUT COGNITIVELY im just emotionally fucked in the head with a mallet through the nostril or whatever. idk i feel like a rotten apple inside!!! but its ok cause my hair is hairing rn and i am here and i have THREE pillows tonight!!!!! ooh we have no spare bed for now so hopefully i can have allll the spare pillow mwahhahahhahaha (i am touch starved and need someth to hug but like no shit if youve read any of this i wonder whyyyyy hmmm but also i dont want other people, leave me alone im a happy cactus well happy uh sometiems... i WILL be a happy cactus one must imagine sisyphus ok with a cactus up his ass sorry idk i still need to read that long essay or whatever about him). anyways im procrastinating taking my meds. its my last one in my bag ill be pretty miffed if its thrown out or someone asks why havent i reported to the gestapo about taking them. hopefully i wont need them for a bit its just bc my sleep schedule is fucked i just naturally stay up wayyy too late and also cause u cant do dumb shit when asleep. yo call me weak but me at my weakest and not asleep or conked does some crazy shit that can make strangers late for work and omg makes people concerrrrnnnnedd oooh concern concern the magic word aight. actually im a little bit tired rn so if i just try chill and maybe try idk what its called something something spirtual and my business i just want to look for the moon out my window and chill.

21/12/23

00:35
[weird magic]

its ok if i dont make sense, this place was never a place to convince other people of what is true or right its fr just my thoughts. oof i need to chill out man this crazy feeling ive had recently makes it hard to chill bc im alway buzzing and flow states are temporary but thats ok.

18:33
STUPIF BIG RANT WHATEVER [if you say so!!!].

20/12/23

16:12
[books]

[idk what i was talking abt here]

[whatever]

19/12/23 pt 2

15:50
i used to hate waking up because booo waking up and living but now i like waking up bc its like a fresh slate and i dont feel as awful even though i suck at waking up it takes me 3hrs if i dont have anything immediate. i ended up dreaming some weird shit too like wtf im off my meds so leave it at the door thanks that is cray cray med dream land. whatever. it did make me question this relationship i have with some guy online though.

16:25
i got the myth of sisyphus (that albert guys commentary IDFK lemme read it first you nut) and going to pick up hagekure. i think my new approach to reading is not trying to find something in it, if theres something to find itll come. i have read some books before looking for answers and while i found things i relate to, theres not much answer, just some semi-certainty that things could be okay. which is fine, i guess the answer is we make our own answer and keep it in our hearts. im just reading because someone cared enough about their thoughts enough to record them as a piece of work.

its raining and im comfy and i have had a shower and im moisturised its great and my hair is hairing. lovely.

18:05
yeah i just want to relapse maybe i did fuck up somewhere i have no clue bro i checked the other place for the certificate so if i dont have it cause i signed one thing and not another then damn i do want to cut myself though. oh boohoo im saying it here and not on twitter to other people with a picture and cute caption and if im lucky its fucking deep enough or whatever yeah fuck off its my page ill say what i want. i just want to do it.

20:56picked up some dbt books idk fuck why am i like this literally why and its like a daily thing it pisses me off because again logically i know im in the wrong or should chill out but emotionally i cant take it and its really stupid people dont get it like i know its stupid it just happens

19/12/23

things i needed to say
[yall this also went into the rant hall of fame cause wtf]

18/12/23

01:17
[rant about how being angry saves me from being too depressed, rant about how i appreciate strangers and non passive aggressive small talk more].

[missing someeone]

21:20
i feel better. i got a bunch of folding done, even learnt how to fold stuff better.

22:42
it had been brought to my attention that i havent gotten my grad cert and apprently noone is at the school now so if i didnt graduate well it is what it fucking is im moving on i dont care if i shouldve done even more dxm and like everyone else drop out at the first year instead of doing what i did and bother trying to finish school then whatever i dont care im gonna find a job regardless and im determined to do it.

17/12/23

18:29
[mad]

16/12/23

17:53
ok i had an interesting day. theres trackwork going on so on the way home we had to switch replacment buses halfway through cause it got so hot since the AC wouldnt work. honestly i like those kind of trips because suddenly the guy next to you and the people around you are besties and your faith in humanity is restored because you probably dont talk to people or get out much and it feels nice to go through trials and tribulations together without a rocky history and a long established perception of yourself and others.

hmm ive been thinking i need to clean some stuff up, i cant pick up everything like tbh the weird or sad shit i did at 12 is always gonna be there. bro i AM insufferable as it is but like im trying to contain it here and be ok on my own, but i was so awful to be around but i wanted to be around people anyways and didnt realise fully. like i know why, i just wanted to be heard and i didnt know what to do or what was going on, all i really needed was someone responsible to care at the time but it is what it is and i care for myself now so i hope people go away. idk i just was a big downer and i still will get very very upset in the future alot i cant change how i feel i just feel more hopeful and determined so i just wanna clean stuff up so it doesnt bother me cause i keep thinking ab it. itll be hard cause i have to find, manage to use or save up to fix a phone with a broken lcd lol.

yay anyways now im home i actually get to wash my hair so thats good. i also need to explain something but its more for me idk if i ever seem really aggressive its probably just me fighting me or insecurities so my apologies in advance. this is my page though its for me to talk to me to see me and hear me, so if i say anything of use to others i am planning on making a page for links and such.

20:59
i feel great my hair is awesome, and the most sims rng event shit just happened to me, my family found a card thats a decade old from an old birthday and i got $20 bucks thank you guy i will never talk to again but remember even though you ignored me in college anyways thats also why im hyped to move none of that shit matters but i guess thats just leaving school too. ok i am going to log stuff with imaginary friend we figured out a system where we converse by typing on a document for more complex convos because we get distracted i dont care if thats weird to have an imaginary friend because we help eachother through life idk man my 3 main things rn are like tea, imaginary people and stacking habits i just want to be left to my peace i have my earl grey rn i am balling im gonna make it i still hate those hopecore things keep it away from me itll ruin my mood but i hope it lifts yours or i hope if you hate it too you find something else that makes you feel great ig.

22:25
[read some occultish kinda book]

15/12/23

18:33
[something made me really internally upset i handled it fine but like its kind of motivation to do stuff. idk i get the feeling things might blow up but ive kinda made my mind up regardless of what happens]

[plotting plotting]

okay time for a shower and chill. im kind of tired from making pages and downloading software and stuff, i have some things on my to do but itll have to wait. maybe i should watch something but nothing is really appealing. i have some anime like lain i wanna finish but also i dont really feel like it. haibane renmei maybe. ive been slowly watching for like years now lol. oh theres the second half of tootsie i need to finish because my favourite actor was like "i watched this movie" in an interview i dont remember why fully but i was like huh ok im bored ill give it a watch. i suck at finishing everything lol. but yeah overall idk im upset but for the first time in like idk six years im motivated and not just "whatever ill fr kms when im 18" like sir that is approaching im not doin that thanks.

19:46
ok i feel a bit better. huehuehue im happy cause we brought tea. black plain tea, which i should have more often. idk ive just been drinking so much tea to fill the time.

stuff

okay so i'm watching this vid im too lazy to embed this. i was writing something but idk my head is fuzzy i need a break from the site for a couple of days. i have some stuff planned though but yeah. good video. dont feel like adding my thoughts because i have too many and also itd divulge into disturbing storytimes.

14/12/23

02:08

[i had like a ramble here idk i caught myself getting into my own web on short term obsession with someone i barely knew lol but they were nice to meee but still]

17:47
i wanted to like elaborate my feelings but i dont know how without writing an essay or looking crazy. anyways, im glad i cleaned out under my bed before everything got moved. idk. i was thinking lately about salad and i think this applies to alot of things but like damn i dont hate salad i hate other peoples salads.

19:06
[idk another ramble i was like damn i should hoard money for like cosmetic procedures lol idk]

13/12/23

00:50
i can't wait to move holy crap. ill start again man i am dedicated. well in this moment i am feeling determined to get out there. once this christmas ends ill get a job then i can distract myself buying shit then realise i should probably start looking into renting or getting a house but i dont know because i'll probably have a retail job so the first thing i gotta do is get settled into that then figure out something a little more permanent. i dunno my sisters only got their own homes at like age 30 and before lived with someone else and bought that home with someone else so i am a bit scared because i am not someone made for love and its stupid to pursue love for purposes of buying property and security (ok human history proves this is actually smart but i think i should work on being a tolerable and less ugly person). i dont know i think i am just going to brute force life or try to. will probably get burnt out and then get depressed. uh. how to live life. well that is life figuring out how. ok im glad my mood changed from scared shitless to determined but its 1am and i cant do anything about it. i guess its been nice to have this time to think but not be able to do anything because i feel like i have more of a plan. when i retreive the certificate holy shit i need to get an email to do that or did it go to my dufmkxnkdnkfvnrrjnknf d ok i have a physical copy but fuck nobody likes physical copies ok i need to see if im even able to log in to my school account and look fuckity fuck past me you lazy bitch. have the grad ones even released? im not even looking for that now im like omg ahh shit.

ok i got into the email, I AM NOT READING THE REPORT CARD THANKS I AM NOT SCROLLING DOWN EITHER WOW okay i might need to even email someone if theyre still there about accessing some things oops. anyways. okay shit i got it and downloaded it bro theres so many cause for concerns in my email because id just procrastinate stuff like straight up i would have work done but id never finish it it was sooo bad bro. anyways i got the file, time to turn vpn and get back to seeding wooh. i might need to check again bc the next thing i need is the grad one idk when thats going on. OH SHIT VPN wasnt on ok now we good wellmaybe idk cuz when i turned it on again i connected to someone quick and some files were sending so oops.

02:42
okay i got thunderbird because i was bored and also wanted a way to check my mail without going on gmail (not my school one actually i did it partly to AVOID it), and damn i didnt realise it came with an irc client thats cool. i dont really have any need to use irc right now but its handy to have. something i do wanna try out is usenet, but ill do that later. i dunno. ohhh also tomorrow i need to fold the clothes i sorted. fun. idk what else. today was hairwash day so i hope that turns out okay tomorrow when its all set. also refilled on moisturiser and shit its so nice. scars have really been horrible lately, theyve been so itchy and anytime i get a shiver it pricks me like idk all the fresher scars just prick my nerves like ok stop. i hope the moisturiser helps. uurrghh. why do i do things to myself. whatever ive been clean for a bit. i dont knowww every day like fr every day is like should i relapse idk man ughhgm whatever it is what it is but i fr would not like to most the time because shit is annoying to clean. anyways yeah okay.

idk what else to do, wait i gotta set up foobar yeah then the rest i can worry about tomorrow. ive been meaning to add to the infodump part of the site, but rn im not sure what exactly i want to post. lydia? i love lydia from breaking bad by the way she is my obsession rn helppp. i dont care if you dislike her, honestly that is very sane and respectable so when i mean i dont care i mean i respect your opinion and would actually like to hear it and discuss (not even to try change your mind, like i cannot defend her), but i still love her so much. maybe ill post about her rn on there cuz thats the point of the page, to infodump and be cringe and share things i spend too much time researching, watching and thinking about.

18:00
yay going to get mcdonalds yayyy uhh anyways i have been browser shopping, and honestly nothing much has really stuck out yet. ill check out some firefox based ones.

18:33
i think my body is learning that maccas is shit. anyways idk if i should use an alternative firefox browser, i was messing with pale moon and similar mozilla forks and its fun i guess to have a netscape theme but i cant use it for daily use, it just isnt built for what i want it to do and my own site's buttons won't work and youtube is basically unusable. the problem is i dont want to put effort into switching all my firefox stuff into something like waterfox for it to be as slow as firefox and with less of the stuff i want. i don't want to use chromium based browsers, i dont want to use opera and edge looks okay functionally but wont have all the cool shit i want it to have arrhghgjhfkd. i think itll be fine for now i just have to remember to restart my browser every once in awhile. along the way of looking through browsers that run on xp/vista i got pretty frustrated cause theres no way to make a new blingee account. ive accepted that unless i find someone who already has one ill just have to stick to picmix. also another thing is i might not use foobar, ill look at winamp or something, hey i dont know maybe i can find themes for vlc, the main thing im looking for is stupid themes thats it. once i figure out all the software i need ill be good, but looking around for it is annoying.

23:05
ok im proud of myself cause i actually folded the clothes and didnt put it off until fuck knows when. next task is either get the vlc theme or revamp my homepage. i dunno. also i am happy cause made new online friends. yay. bad thing is my headphones are so fudged they wont charge properly but its fine. overall got stuff done and hair turned out okay. my hair is multi textured so half of it is curly as shit and the other is straight. fun. anyways my goal is to grow it out very long and hopefully itll be pretty and ill put flowers in it :) idk im trying my best to take care of my hair and skin, maybe people dont know cause it looks messy and i have acne even though i wash my face multiple times a day and i take care of my hair the best i can with the stuff i got but oh well. i almost got really upset cause of my hair today but avoided disaster. i swear hair is such a deep topic for what it is. i watched a video about how hair is "everything" and its like yeah hair means alot to people and people assume alot based off it. anyways ciao til the next entry cause its 11pm and these are sorted by the day lols.

12/12/23

02:13
ehhh still feeling meh just memories and feels. i dunno. ima keep working on the about page for a bit then sleep. you can probably see my sleep schedule through the blogs. reminder to self to sort out clothes for packing.

15:50
ok i woke up a couple hours ago but anyways i feel better after sleeping.

23:43
my dumbass watching a plague inc speedrun. that game actually terrifies me and has for like over five years and i keep coming back to it once or twice a year and get really scared and like it's the kind of scared that is "THE WORLD IS ENDING AND IM ALL ALONE" because the game is just a strategy game of killing people with your pathogen of choice. doesnt help i haven't really interacted with people outside for a couple of days. well its only been 3 and i dont feel so good. i guess being home alot and thinking about the apocalypse makes my body think i am hiding in my room from the apocalypse. fun.

i guess something else i want to talk about besides that is i have been thinking about how i recognise patterns in people when i am interested in them and i guess everyone does, but like i just know peoples fidgets and stuff like that. im sure everyone does it but like its so interesting me i guess to figure that kind of stuff out. human thingssss. i dont know im still really spooked. the sims spooks me out too i dont like it i get scared playing it too much because i get scared the sims will become sentient and get mad at me. i also get really stressed out when the sims are like not doing crash hot or i get scared theyll die and we know how easy it is for shit to catch fire. damn i need to make a sims 4 fears mechanic rant. i only played for like a week and had to quit lol.

another game that scares me is minecraft sometimes because its lonely. i think i am just scared of simulations and isolation. and typical scary shit. i dont want to keep playing doki doki literature club and needy streamer overload scared the shit out of me. especially since i got that chance ending like bro i was just making ame abuse acid for shits and gigs and then suddenly some spooky shit happens or i get stressed whenever ame gets stressed like seriously i am pretty calm for stuff pertaining around the topic and myself unless something is bleeding alot but like bro i get so stressed when she cuts and the music is fucky and the screen gets puncheed fuckkkk and its not even (relatively) that graphic its just stressful idk its a game that spooks me out while being the realest shit ever like you know terminally online people put their heart into it its lowkey an important cultural piece of media.

11/12/23

00:38
my throat hurts bro too many sweets. working on about page. i just realised my site is inconsistent visually but i dont care i dont get paid this is unpaid child (lmao im 18 in a couple of months) labour, unlike the pinterest team i get nada nothing nuh uh for making buttons round and changing "pin" to "save" (bro i need to get my rant page up after this).

18:27
happy with the progress made on the site, i chucked together a tile background for maximum annoyance too. now to finish off the infodump part then we are balling.

22:18
oh wow the emptiness and random urge to cry is back time to make more tea.

22:57
ok thats a little bit better. idk if i should take my meds or not idk. i need to work on the site i dont wanna be tired.

different approaches to self harm

i am NOT a professional ok i urge anyone struggling to find professional help and look into professional resources and research if they can!! i'm just sharing things that help me and also shape how i think and approach self harm. okay. so what am i trying to say here is if you are struggling with self harm (or other similar things), please look into WHY you engage in the behaviour and also what you get out of it. i think it's really useful for the future, even if you are not ready to commit to recovery at the moment i think its always good to have some insight. i often go online and i notice people struggle to explain to others about their self harm, or have no clue on why they self harm in the first place/continue to do so.

so remember it's different person to person, i'll give out some examples tho.

okay so lets say i am really stressed because lets use school as an example. i am stressed, and i have the urge to self harm, follow through on that urge, and i notice i am more calm. i am temporarily relieved, but i get stressed again, and my brain is like ok self harm makes me calm so i do that.

so that is one example. another is; something upset me, i self harm, but then i feel really ashamed that i SHed instead of solving the problem and i cant take the pain, and i do it again and feel like i deserve that.

again people have many different reasons, but usually for ppl addicted to self harm its a kind of cycle with its reasons and outcomes. so recognising when that urge is strongest (and what triggers you), and doing something else that will either distract you until the urge is over, or acchieves what you want without self harm might help. say for example i take a nap/sleep it off instead of resorting to cutting right away, or i recognise i need comfort so instead of sh i make a warm drink. also having other things to do, i know sometimes it kinda takes over your life and your routines kinda center around it mentally and physically (wound care is so tiring bro).

im not really like the most committed person ngl like as ive said im just waiting until ill go ham again, but rn these things are helping, bc urges are like multiple times daily its annoying af to say the least. also another important thing is being patient with yourself, because shame is a big factor (at least in my experience) to kind of clouding your thought and making the cycle worse so self compassion is important, its hard, but it is nice NOT feeling like you deserve the worst i promise. also to any self harmers reading you are enough, your feelings are valid and there is no required depth/severity of injury to deserve support, it is easy for us to think we are not severe enough for help or to be valid, but that is not true at all, any self harm is important to address and also the feelings behind it are valid and i just rly wanted to say you are enough and worth care and support okay.

thats it for now, later i will post a list of helpful sites for first aid.

uncatagorised thoughts: drug "warnings" and person i am grateful for

i thought i'd make this entry separate from other ones because i'm talking about specific topics over my day.

drug warnings
ok i guess i am writing about this because a recent entry here mentions dxm, and plat sigma, and i was curious to see what someone would find if they were to search and figure out what it means. i'll explain in detail to actually answer that because i find the chemical interesting, however this topic and some of the sites i found kind of reminds me why alot of info is shit. i remember when we had a talk in school like just about drugs, and basically the message i got was "guys people put concrete in stuff idk dont make us come over if you have a party guys but u do u ig". no mention of actual warnings, no mention of pharmacy drugs or whatever just dont take random shit like DUHHH its australia everything is gonna be kinda shit yet expensive. and the site i saw obsfucated positive effects ("none of them are good arrghhh") of dxm and like didnt explain shit just "people use these words" ok??? whenever people talk about nicotine its pretty negative and i get that, but they didnt tell you its a stimulant and calms you down and supresses your appetite what.

you cannot successfully get people information or help if you don't tell them the whole truth. there is a reason people keep using things. i hate how the site i just looked at didn't bother to explain one of the more dangerous things about dxm, just "people who abuse dxm use this term" OK?? idk its so dumb like if people actually and actually actually explained addiction, what leads to it, overdose/interaction risks, coping mechanisms, harm reduction etc, i feel like it would make more of an impact. but whatever noone who is supposed to care, cares.

now to explain in basic terms how i fucked up is redosing too many times. so the things that are supposed to break down the chemical can't do that properly, causing prolonged effects and risk of psychosis (sigma1 brain receptors or someth). so throughout the day i was like "lol im not fucked up enough" and i take a couple pills every few hours for half the day, blacked out, woke up, STILL tripping and its horrible because i am sober enough to not be having fun but my body is not it is fucked up so it's like those lobotomy memes you see. lol like u dont know until u know, moving feels like you are like THIS MOTHERFUCKER



i was just fucked up for a couple of days, dissociated hard that i had to reremember my life and i thought i was a skinwalker, all my serotonin was depleted so i was unstable and really depressed for weeks and had trouble sleepin. and i didnt remember anything so i counted my tabs again and i was like no way surely i was shorted or someone stole off me (no i probably wasnt shorted by a pharmaceutical company but i had no memory), but nah i just had 70 pills in 3 days lmfao. anyways do not reccomend, use things responsibly cause drugs take up alot of time you could be typing stuff about cough medicine on a neocities page jesus christ how did we get here. well i know how im not surprised but you know. maybe i should share some dex stories on here of my own and some other people's, fr dxm is bottom of the barrel kind of stuff and i understand that completely (im sorry ill just do crack or real drugs instead, joking joking) but i think i have had some interesting times. not condoning abuse of the stuff, but fr i hope the stories i have are entertaining.

person i am grateful for
sometimes there are people in your life you just don't forget, or don't want to forget i don't know and i'm not the authority on memory. they are consistent, but in a way that breaks your expectation every time because you expect to get hurt, but they are just kind, and their heart is soft and you get confused at how someone like that exists. so i guess this is dedicated to that person. i'm not naming them, they'll never see this but still, i really miss them because they are skilled and thoughtful and i like hearing about their life and talking to them and i wish in another life we could have been friends, another life where i'm older and hopefully somewhere better because i have never met someone i've wanted to just be friends and do cool things with more than them. i hope they are well, and relaxing and taking care of themselves and that they get to see their family and just find joy. i don't know. i know i am attached (bad thing) but i genuinely admire their qualities and compassion. i am kind of a rat ok but i think this person really taught me more about compassion. if i were to meet them again i would be less scared, because i get scared someone doesn't like me then i believe it and then i hate them back and run away, but they are honestly just a nice patient person who is also handy and yeah. i don't know i've been meaning to cry over this person for awhile because i will never see them again (no nothing bad happened, no fall outs, it just is what it is) and i think i love them but not in a romantic way i just love them in a way that is like i just wish we could be friends because i am interested in you and your life and i appreciate you and i wish we could go out for coffee. but it is not like that, so i am just inspired to be as patient and kind as them. idk if im weird for this idk man i just wanna cry omg ok im getting that tea i meant to make byeeee.

10/12/23

13:01
idk im bored and angry but happy i'm building the infodump part of the site, i chucked together a background using gradients and pixel sorting and it looks okay. after i finish getting site stuff set up, i'm going to set up foobar2000 as a music player, cause it looks cool and i hate the windows media player and i dont wanna use online services, i one day plan on getting an old ipod OR get a charger for my iphone 4 (audio quality on it is kinda an issue tho idk ill have to figure some stuff out). idk how i'll handle the big amounts of music or if i'll have to pick and choose, idk i got some stuff to learn there but i'll focus on the site for now. i was serious when i posted elsewhere about moving to personal sites, irc, usenet, forums etc.

ooh i got a cool gliterry spacey theme thats animated for my browser and its so nice actually idk it reminds me of those sticks in primary school full of glitter used for smartboards. do people still use smartboards? or just those big TV things. no clue. also reminds me of those moodboards i used to love as a kid theyd have gifs and stuff and honestly i still dig them.

17:09
stressed myself out but itll be ok. i dont know what to do with this page actually because i dont know the level of personal it should be because i dont mean this to flex or anything at all if i could choose not to have alot of thoughts and feelings, mainly unpleasant ones all the time i would not but i do have them anyways. idk what to share and what not to share? hmm im just gonna clean out the rest of this page. i tend to get really wrapped up in thought trains that lead nowhere except into the shame hole so i'll try avoid that.

18:12
okay cleaned most the word vomit out. now you can see the point of what i was talking about without all the words. its more for my sake honestly i bummed myself out reading some of that. tea will make things better. i've really gotten into tea i dont know why. well i kinda know why, but i do enjoy it. earl grey gang.

09/12/23

okay so update on life i guess i think its a bit better but i got some tea

- [dxm plat sigma hospital trip im fine and sober]
- idk i have gotten really into pirating NO there are no files here but its fun ig and its nice to give back in some way or provide something to others. also learnt some stuff about networks and such while getting files of things. i still plan to buy physical copies of some of the stuff ive gotten. screw streaming services either way.
- wow i love my site it has banger music i gotta add to it
- idk lately i think ive made progress. ive just come to the conclusion i am pretty emotionally dysregulated so kinda learning that loneliness comes but also goes (idk not focussing on relationships and i find im desiring it less anyways i am a difficult person to be around lol) and just building routines and then when i kinda have my shit together where i have a job again and im just not a mess waiting to happen then i can work on people skills. i find like "stacking" or just slowly developing habits one at a time is helping. i can't say im one of those hopecore girlboss grindset people (nor do i aspire to be i just dont wanna make myself suffer more than is nessesary or helpful i just need to be on my feet) but im getting more done than i used to and its easier to do little things. i struggle alot with procrastination and tackling one facet of it i hope pays off.
- if this sounds weird then whatever i could be doing worse things but i just have imaginary friends its cool cause idk its easier to not spiral when you have someone in your head to talk to, same goes for the imganinary friend if theyre down. i don't know i don't talk to others about it much, i don't really want to either, it's good to have something to myself and i overshare alot as you can tell so yeah. idk its just helpful in learning to have compassion to myself too. i guess i came back to the idea of imaginary friends when i was using character ai way too much but i realised damn its better i use my imagination esp when im making my own characters and i dont have to type or use ai and all that, so to me its useful
- i guess ill talk about SH because i have before, i had a pretty rough patch recently, honestly my main focus rn is spacing out time between when i SH alot because i am slowly going deeper each time and i just don't have the resources mentally and physically to take care of hypodermis/fat cuts. rn im clean so thats chill, i got a thing so i can track whenever i have a SH urge but don't act on it (habitica yah its free and has a site and app its like rpg focussed its actually kinda lit esp as someone who isnt as receptive to wellness apps lol). it's a complex topic, i think i've said before but now every other social media is shit and getting overtly more unsuable and anti-user maybe i can focus on collecting resources and making a page for SH harm reduction and helpful stuff here.
- my family is moving idk im too tired to tell all the deets and its kinda complicated i mean is it what i wanted... secretly no but it is what it is and either way i get to see the rest of the family and go to the beach. i think i want to pick up painting, its been on my mind for awhile.

thats it for life stuff, i might make another page for things i have gone down the rabbithole of. if theres stuff in past entries then ill just leave it, i dont associate with the mfer 10 years ago nor the crazy bitch 4 days ago man!!! i dunno. i hope this comes off as positive and if it doesnt i dont care to me its positive after a year of bad shit and the blog is for me so im content with that. progress is slow, starting is hard but i think i've started and made some steps forward even if its small.

11/07/23

23:07

[harrassed on the train]

28/05/23

00:03

[used to be a drunk ramble here who cares]

23/05/23

idk when
today was good :) sometimes i feel bad for ditching groups at lunch but its nice to go outside and sit on your own.

21:28
[used to be a shame spiral kinda ramble here HELP]

21/05/23

22:20
[big life update was here i didnt wanna read it all so i deleted it, nothing important much. actually it was important yeah wasn't nice but hey future me here it's kind of okayer now.]

12/01/23

17:22
back. sorry if i have scared anyone. might start this blog again or maybe even a new site. i havent went on here in awhile, mostly bc i only have my chromebook to post stuff on and its a school one so i dont like opening it haha. anyways ill recap the past few months in some dot points.

- [something about relapsing]
- [work harrassment because of SH, got stressed uh ended up at the hospital, prescribed seroquel, sent back]
- oh andgrateful my parents are good yk. they arent perfect but they try their best fr like gen
- i can deal w my thoughts butcant deal w my feels like yeah
- [something dumb about getting way too high again]
- i love fruit. just been eating fruit cuz tastes nice.
- bit of reading.
- [something about skinwalkers, which looking back seems to be a reoccuring theme]
- i know this sounds like a lot and my brash typing isnt helping but im ok im hopeful yk [i edited the shit out of it a year later]

so yeah thats that. hope yall had a chill holiday. i feel like making this whole site again on a different thing idk ill try it.

22/10/22

15:30
i feel embarrassed. im back to square one because it got warmer and i had the audacity to think dumb shit. i feel so embarrassed its like ive never changed. i am everything thats wrong in my life. i dont know what to do. i should just pick myself up but i dont know all i really want to do is cry like an idiot. sometimes i doubt if i even want to get better or if im that scummy. today i slept for 15 hours, i don't know why. i don't know. i think i don't just pick myself up because i want my unimportant self to matter when i don't. nothing personal against me, it's just stupid to think words in my head or thoughts i hold or events way past really matter. when i realise they don't matter i'm left with nothing. there is nothing there. just a husk of a human. i just feel horrible. have i really changed? i feel like a bundle of impulses i just work to suppress rather than a changed person. i don't want to die but i feel like i need to. i don't hate my job, i don't hate anyone in my life currently, i don't hate where i am, i don't hate school, the world is the world. i just hate myself. i'm going to make myself some coffee.

19/10/22

09:49
things have been hopeful. dude who told me i was going ot hell was just messing around, i may have a really good job oppurtunity [news flash no lol whatever], and something funny happened. for the first one im justreally thankful for having a good friend and that i went to the mall today lol. customers in the shop were actually nice and everything seemed so chill and i tlaked t

19:10
[big rant about mother issues, abandonment issues. i aint reading all that and now neither are you]

21:13
[not positive things blablabla]

21:28
[usual end of year things]

17/10/22

20:50
[stuff, usual end of year things for me]

16/10/22

20:12 [i cried at a family event i didnt mean to but sometimes things build up and you just cry at the worst moment]

im pretty tired but when i feel less shit i wanna talk about more books and things like that. read a poem collection/diary thingy and as a break from depressing stuff some romance book (if the reviews say its written like fanfic then im gonna pick it up idc so far im entertained like im not looking for mind blowing shit everyday lol like dear god wattpad was horrid but usually no matter how bad the book was i was invested lmao. and like the book isnt bad at all and im kicking my feet and giggling like an idiot).

somethign keeps scratching at my brain. i dont know how to get over this one.

13/10/22

12:36
i have been well. a lot of thinking and probably could be more productive but its ok for now. i am happy because i printed a bunch of plants vs zombies notes, cut them out and then pasted them around the school. why not and im nice i used blu tack so they cant get too mad. i gave them to some teachers too and they were amused which made me smile. i also gave them minions stickers so yeah. one of my teachers put it on their lanyard which was nice.

my consiousness ramblings have been summed up by a game i was playing on my phone. i'll share the image, might shove it in the side bar idk.



i feel more mellowed and less cynical, but i am noticing i am forgetful and i always have to double take on things that i've left around. accidentally left a laptop at school overnight, and before thatleft my phone in the garage. it drives me a little insane because i don't remember at all and they're in places i would not suspect i forget things. a whole ass table like a giantone appeared while i was briefly away in aclassroom and i thought ijust didnt notice it before and it made me go wtf but thankfully it was just set up while i was gone. sometimes i focus so hard on staying in the moment i end up zoning out again.

wendigoon made a video on nolonger human which ijust read so ill check it out. it reminds me i want to read lost paradise omg

might post more book stuff. just stuff i found understood me i don't know.



from girl interrupted.

21:40
[something about self perception obviously my self perception is awesome because i do not recognise the words typed by me not that long ago]

10/10/22

22:40
[waffle]

[start of term 4 for 2022]

[2021 halloween lore tldr i fucked up]

[2018 unalive lore and why i hate summer/end of the year. whatever im here and alive obviously]

[another time, yes im still alive and well]

[ok tldr this big entry that used to be here looked like a "its spring, i dislike this time of the year because xyz"]

07/10/22

01:15
[metaphor.]

02:40
[finished a book and was like wtf]

15:36
[ramble about thinking, also i said like "yeah i won't put my worth into my schoolwork" my brother in christ you almost failed the year after that and a very easy semester because of that lol idk i understand it more now though]

online doesn't seem to have anything too good rn so i'll print resume stuff out and go see whats out there. i think i just need to find the zone between overthinking and going nowhere. kind of just go with it and it is what it is. itll still be lonely but wacky things happen if you random wander around enough. sometimes i feel bad for not caring, like it is a duty to care about these things but its exhausting and hasnt done me good thus far. i should look into some courses for next year and see if any look interesting to me. maybe something with textiles. i feel so unprepared for life and i feel bad because i should be going smoothly, well even. maybe its the pandemic or wasting my life with people not my age also wasting their life and my stubborn self but i still feel 13. i don't know why my fourth grade teacher thought i was going to be a scientist when i could barely talk to another person.

06/10/22

01:13
i just want to cry. im so tired of fighting myself or fighting myself to not fight myself. it feels like everyone i look up to hates me or one eggshell away from it.

ok figured out how to get books just go to freemediaheckyeah subreddit find an online library like what you want isthe epub file of whatyou want and either get a reader for it or if you cant convert it into a pdf and idk yeah. [ramble about something idk it was facts but it looks stupid so whatever]

05/10/22

23:36
[uh shame and depersonalisation rant man i was not ok when i was working lol]

i was thinking about this topic for awhile but i think this video really set me off



[i aint reading all of what i typed its not even smart but the video is lit]

03/10/22

14:34
mann i love sleeping i love that feeling of when blankets just wrap you up and youre just comfy and its nice. i woke up at noon today and holy shit loaded potatoes are the best like okok you can find this on the internet easy but i'll just explain it bc i can and i'm bored ok so grab a potato fromthe dirt wash it or not if you like dirt idk im not judging but id wash it then aggresively stab it with a fork so it wont explode then like get a bunch of oil and salt on that bitch then chuck it in the microwave for like 5-10 mins idk depends how cracked yourmicrowave wants tobe and then yank it out slice it in a kind of cross shape so it opens up, then put whatever in like cheese or broccoli or jellybeans then chuck it backfor 30 secondsfor everything to melt then enjoy. was actually good and despite it still having processed baked beans or whatever its probs tiny bit better and way more filling than toast and cereal.

02/10/22

01:15
good news i made biscuits theyre mid imo but edible. [rant about food]

22:35
[got a sewing machine so thats lit]

[rant about how one time this french person in a coat shop was being really pushy and weird and was insulting other customer's weights and complaining about how casual australians are about their clothes like i dont care baguette baguette baguette be gone]

anyways im sooo happy i don't have to hand stitch everything now, and get to make more cool stuff quicker.

01/10/22

01:05
[deletedcuz futue me thinks this was a bunch of bs mostly lol]

03:11
wtf i spent so long thinking and writing that oops. i think what i was talking about was lonliness and i think i have to do something about it bc i know it's getting bad when i'm getting that apocalyptic fear and i'm like fuck me i know zombies aren't a thing otherwise penguinz0 would be on that shit and jreg would be like the wall would fix it vote for me ottawa, but the concept is spooking me out and i'm scared and i want a hug. there. i am not enlightened at all lol but i am terrified.

11:30
idk what i wanna do today all i know is shower and make patterns for projects. i wanna go out but i also don't. i do need more hot glue sticks though they got demolished trying to make that goofy ahh gun

30/09/22

13:23
man i am so happy i got that music player in the music section im probs gonna put it here bc why not. i learnt i can read and actually focus when i have music in the background. literally do not listen to people who are like "do or dont do this and youll be productive" until youve tried it bc otherwise you wont do it like i put off reading bc iwas like oh everyone tells me you cant read or do work with music and if i do it without i wont want to. but i legit do hardthinking writing kind of work best with vaporwave and reading with literally anything loud so whatever just do what works bc what works may be something most people would say not t do but udont know untilyouve tried. also yesterday even tho i woke up at 1 i went to sleep before 10pm what the fuckkkand then i slept in until 11 bro and it wasnt even forcing myself to sleep i was just tired asf.

17:20
[i was watching a video i dont care anymore so its gone]

[thought about the time this girl was just using me whatever]

ok cool stuff now or trashy or 2020 i dont care i needed to do something with the cans so i made a rifle. i would've done the 10cent return thing but they need some fancy online id account shit like everything else like goddamn just accept the cans if someone's gotten off their butt just to lug cans to you LOL



wonky asf and unmatched colors lol but it is what it is. hopefully i can give it to someone. also i need to start thinking of making something cute for a friend. i'm working and catching up with family from the coast so i dont think i can make it to the online party, but i still wanna make her a small plush or something like that. i also need to make something for my nan, ill make another tissuebox. for myself, i want to make a cute coat hanger cover, and make something nice looking out of some of my singlets.

29/09/22

20:07
[lonely rant whatever i dont care these days about it] oh i guess i'll make a list of things i need:
- stuffing
- frilly trim (white, off white idk and a maroon/purple or dusk pink for the pillow)
- sharp scissors maybe
- white thread

20:41
holy fuck time goes by fast anyways i asked someone if theywere free tomorrow and sorted something else out.

28/09/22

20:41
today was awesome i got back in contact w friends and finished the tissuebox and made french toast. ill talk about the first thing, i feel bad but grateful they welcomed me with open arms because i kind of left while freaking out and ghosted for a year and before i did some things i really regret. but yeah i just chilled on voice call and met some of their new friends who are cool. they were playing roblox and it reminded me of another old friend i miss a lot. i can never talk to him again but if i could i would show him my monkey birthday card, and play some phantom forces on roblox. i miss you robro. i hope you are well, or at peace. i hope your family is well too. whenever i make monkey noises on vc i am thinking of you, robro [context we would just make random sounds in vc]. im grateful i got to meet you, even if we started out rocky, you turned out to be like family to me. im sorry i wasn't the best person i could be when you were struggling, and i hope that if we were to meet again we could chill and talk and troll some people. i love you man youre like the sibling i never had and i get it now and its funny bc we both have siblings but yeah man rest in peace brother. i dont know if ill talk to your mom yet, but i do plan to do that some day, since she really wanted to talk to us. i sent her one email last year but i got scared and didnt again. but now i am a tad more brave and ready

sorry, i just had to type this out there. i've been looking into past serversas well, my own behemoth labyrinth mess. its a discord server but the channels are structured like a hotel. even in the list layout, all the levels are there and theres a lobbyand at the end/bottom is a basement. i would sort and file cool stuff i found on pinterest, journal my day and archive happenings on the doomscape. its itneresting to have a look but its a bit hard for me as well. there are two accounts on there belonging to people whove passed away. their pfp and name and roles are still there, untouched. and will continue to lay there in peace. some of their channels still exist, and ill look through some of their messages. unfortunately i dont have dms saved since ive nuked my own accoutns too many times to count, but yeah im glad my server remains untouched. ok bro im laughjig at the messages man i miss this mf. but yeah. idk i get upset looking at my past journals and stuff. also cringe. man 2020 and 2021 was fuckkkedddd. anyways french toast and tissuebox



tissuebox kinda scuffed and wacky but it functions and matches my lamp so its ok. next time i would focus on making the cuts and seam allowances more consistent.

23:47
bro the kitchen light died on me just then and theres a weird IRL lighting glitch in the front door like bro if i die tonight i die saying vanessa a from fnaf deserved better writing, to actually be in the game and a less goofy model. HELP I HAD A WHOLEPARAGRAPH ABOUT FNAF AND HOW IM MAD THEY DUMB STUFF DOWN TO SPPEAL TO CHILDREN AND ok so theyre releasing a bookabout security breach like movies for kids do. issue is security breach is boring as fuck and the lore is stupid and i dont wanna pay money for it idc lol i learnt my lesson buying the pizzplex book like no way i paid to have that bob mf say "youre not like other girls youre different" to date that mf. and if these books are written to reaffirm themes relating to ness then people wouldnt notice unless theyve already went to hell and back connecting the dots in deleted/unreleased content or hard to find shit. like someone who doesnt know about the emails (which were released aorund 2019 2020 i think and ppl mostly dont know and thats not counting the unreleased ones like bonnie eats a cat bro what the fuck) wont get the correlation between vanessa and being called ness to jessica not liking jess. anyways if a ghost gets me please know this goofy lady deserves better long live the white woman jumpscare and her stupid sparkly diary with puppies and her purple flannel my beloved.

27/09/22

00:20
holy shit i clutched the assignment fuck yeahits in and the essay part is ok idgaf abt the research booklet kinda wasted my time but its fine.

why do i do this to myself

00:50
been in a thinking mood recently. its good. annoying for everyone around me and yes myself but good. i was thinking about guilt, like have i truly done a bad deed for failing or hurting myself? i don't feel bad when i fuck myself over because i've done something bad, i feel bad because like uh just then i don't feel like doing a semester of english again lmao. when it comes to how i treat myself its all consequensial (i dont want xyz to happen or i want someone tonot hate my guts or think im ugly idfk) rather than compassionate (i deserve self care and giving myself a chance to do things and be happy). then i was like (tw for sh talk again) i don't feel bad when i hurt myself and i want to do that. like i hurt a human being right you cant just like punch or cut people lmao. then i was like but i deserve that, i have done terrible things to other people. but then i was like if i saw someone and i knew they did the same things i did would i stab them like completely random person but similar actions and i was like no i wouldnt i would just hope they are going better, im not justified to stab this person at all. thing is ok now i solved the guilt part of the problem, but then theres the like addictive habit side, "man i wish someone would bandage this for me", "am i valid yet", "ok lets numb myself like this idk why it works and i should just meditate instead and thats better than distancing and purposely zoning out jfc" and angry grrrrrr bit of it but its something nonetheless.

so that was some weird thought. i think we often get told like i know i say find out self compassion and find out what you truly think of yourslef and whatever and well everyones journey to finding that stuff out is very personal and i was silly to think its just an instant oh ok i have all the answers like im ngl for me it was kinda gut wrenching and frustrating and yeah its detangling a lot of things. so that is why im like yeah im thinking thats good. people think i automatically dont think at all and im surprised ive fooled people whove known me for ages into that, its just i put on a mask or numb/distance myself to it. im not saying my thoughts are quality or smart or insightful nah i just have loads of them. thought machine pew pew pew. thats why this blog is soooo long. and this isnt even most my thoughts and i edit quite a bit. i used to feel bad for not just dumping pics of cool things and saying "my day ploopy look hoohoo" like nah idgaf now i wanna explore stuff without wasting my paper.

zoning out hasnt been too much of an issue for me lately but ive also just stayed inside my house lol. but im just thinking about how to tackle that on my own. thing is when i zone out, its either controlled like its just me being a bitch or i have noooo fucking clue ive zoned out, a chunk of my day is zapped from existence and ive lost my phone and left it at the self checkout at the groceries fuckkkkkk. i think doing the former less may make the latter happen less tho

on a lighter note tomorrow my friend is coming over so im happy like yea sometimes i get caught up in myself and think ahhh everyones leaving me but they arent theyre just busy and i need to be patient and not go to conclusions. i also need to wake up around 8-9 ill shower, not look like a rat and clean the house and air out my room. might have egg and cheese thingy for brekkie idk.

02:07
the universe is telling me to listen to evermore so im doing that rn.

02:45
[djbwnkj]

26/09/22

11:30
ok this is the last da ican do my english without failing the entire class so thatshwat im gonna do. i didnt wake up too early cuz i slept late lmao. ive been thinking about what i wanna do in life and i just wanna make stupid stuff and have sometime off. i dont expect to love any of my jobs or get anything from them, and maybe ill figure out a way to travel or something who knows. i just wanna see new things and meet new ppl. feels like my life is in meaningless grind limbo until i turn 18 but its ok just time to reflect and think. i was feeling bad for liking maximalism but then i was like dude who gives a dookie? i like how stuff looks, and im not throwing away gifts and hand downs and finds bc other ppl might judge. i dont like empty space, and i dont blame myself for not wanting to live in a blank rectangle with only an alarm to wake me up for work or school. [nah update since were moving ive fr just been in a blank rectangle its ok only cause i got my laptop though like bed pillow laptop and im fine]

ill show you how i recently reorganised some of my shelves and idgaf if its ugly and impractical.


i went around the house and found stuff ppl didnt use and stuck random images on the wall like a magazine cutout, a random pic from someones assignment, okok the miku one is funny its a slideshow a friend printed then laminated then she gave it to me years later. sheep in basket are aweosme they hide stuff for me. soye just placeto hold necklaces and random things. below is to hold first aid stuff so i donthave to dig in the kitchen, spray bottle for the fabric around and fire hazard.

[hehethere was something here but alas i dont have to explain myself]

12:06
what if i just stopped explaining myself. no more giant text boxes unless im actually talking about something and not just going like "ok dont get the wrong idea" when im doing nothing wrong boom based asf anyways im also writing to say THE TURD WAS JUST CHOCOLATE!!! still kinda rank but funny asf ngl. just grateful i didnt know bc then thered be a chance theyd ask me to clean it up and fuck nah i already cleaned fucking bugs all clumped up in an old milk drink in the changerooms and fuck me i shouldve posted in the gc. next time i gotta clean something gross i will and idc if im a newbie lol like nobody gaf if u tell them so u just post it in the gc urself i hope they get grossed out like ok i get it if u accidentally leave something like a wrapper BUT NOT A WHOLEASS LARGE DRINK THAT GOES BAD IN A MATTER OF HOURS ITS MILK ITS ICED YOU DONT JUST FORGET THAT WHEN U LEAVE IT HALF DRUNK BROOO

13:45
ok uhhh i said id explain the couple who saw me. so it starts with this dude telling me "youre not hitting the blunt properly" and im like wheezing and shit ok so i was but i was like ok ok ill have more and hit properly so ok i end up having way too much. its like cold as fuck outside but im warm but also cold so i felt warm but my skin was turning grey so im freaking out and people are like "oh shit you're turning grey" and i'm like oh god oh god i'm gonna die bro no this can't be no way that's so embarrassing i'm not dying like this oh fuck but THE OTHER HALF OF MY HEAD IS FUCKIN THINKING LIKE THIS SCENE LMAOOOO



so uhhh i was like half "ah shit i'm dead like those people found 1000 years later in glaciers" and "IM JUST LIKE THAT SMURFETTE SCENE FUCKING HELL" but cool dude gives me his jacket and we busto the mall bc im like hmmmmmmmm kfc. so we go in and go to kfc, then wander around and i'm like higher than everyone else so my two friends are kind of just like going "jfc this bitch going off" anyways i am noided i am absolutely noided it just feels bad and ofc i cant think or remember so its like sober me but 100000000x worse. we go near this cafe and i see this couple like my parents friends lol ans im like ah shit tante so and so is there and her husband who i think works in the police??? idk getting confused with the other 60 something old dudes who listen to sky news around bro. so first time we see them i tell my friends probably louder than i meant to "i know those ppl can we go" and theyre likeidk idk i kinda forget but we see them again and im like fuck they keep fucking side staring at me and im wearing this puffer jacket like do they know me or not uhhhh if i meet them again its business wear vel out here. ANYWAYS I FUCKING WAVE and i getthe dirtiest look back like. fuck you then. oh well they didn't message my parents or whatever but man soooo rude of them LOL. tbf though i was kinda looking like this at them [this is the stupidest story ever]



15:00
i can't stop procrastinating idk what to do now i just wanna cry but like this is all my doing im not even likefeeling bad for myself or anything i just want to get it done but i can't put together the pieces of what to do even though i can do it easily. and i spent all this day telling u a high story and listening to sewerslvt and thinking about love [stupid]. i've tried to sit down and do it four times and i write a word then do something else and i'll go so far to get out and get up and pace around instead. also i update this site too much. i kind of put most my thoughts in here.

17:09
im doing some work but im tired and idk why i didnt do this 3 weeks ago. issue is i try to do work early and i did do that for another assessment then i got caught up in it not being good enough so i lost hope, put the thing off for a few days and didnt put important drawings bc they weren't good so awesome. i know now not to feel personal about it like ive never done perspective drawing or drawn any buildings and suddenly imbeing graded on my firstattempts but yeah. i started i didnt like it i started again and said well idk man.

(tw for talking about injuries the icky and also self inflicted i didnt do the work one tho thats the fryers fault ok also mine but like yea) thinking about this stupid burn too. its just getting so dry and cracked and the middle is like half pus and dead skin is just like weewwww. at least it didnt blister, but the scar better be cool. man my arm is scuffed from fingernails (seriously be careful i accidentally dug out a chunk of flesh like that and i didntmean to i was just mad and that was my instinct response) and fighting polar bears. man im screwed for summer [i was indeed screwed for summer yes] but its ok i dont really care about what other people think [well i did care it turns out]
[love and lonliness noone cares i dont anymore either be gone bitch]

18:54
ikik i should be getting work done and i did a little bit (not enough ohohoho i need to finish this motherfucker) but i need to post this gif

25/09/22

21:00
[english]

24/09/22

20:03
today i just worked. it was ok. good news is my dad is cool we finished getting the puzzle into the frame so now we just have to get it onto the wall. im thinking of making custom mat thingies, fringing the ikea pillow, making a tissue box cover, and also a fabric toaster cover because its a terrible idea and i love it. i want to bake some more too, i really wanna find heart shaped cookie stensils.

i hate feeling lonely because well yeah it sucks duh feelsbad but i can deal with that but also because it makes me want to talk about it but what does that do. its also kind of embarrassing to admit you're lonely.

[self perception rant]

i have a few things to do but i'll do them tomorrow or not i don't know and i'm having trouble caring. i'll check my roster, then tomorrow i'll maybe write the essay. HOLY SHIT if this is fake im cacking myself but if not then WTFFF someone posted a pic into the work groupchat of a napkin in the staff bathrooms.... with a turd on it LMAOOOO bro it better be chocolate jesus christ.

[paranoia i think i was genuinely upset bc i thought someone was watching me not saying whoever is still isn't but yeah]

23/09/22

13:44
rn im in class and ok my day isnt going so bad i think last night i was really noided probably just tired and lonely so im sorry for freaking out. i should fdo the essayfor this class but im storing energy for tonight especially since work issupposed toget a lovely visit from higher ups. ill freak out about the esaay on sunday and monday bc im not workinng and on holidays. i wish i had my physical books with me today bc i have stuff i wanna write hmm ill have a check.

holy shit this croissant is good i just thought you should know.

14:13
[something something whatever]

22/09/22

20:37
[idk]


so yuhhhh.

21:42
[ok editing me needs to be here hi. so i was in andkind of stillam in a scared mood maybe paranoid but nothing matters if youre aware (or literally right ok that part is depressing it shouldn't be true) so whatever. now im a bit better like that person is whatever just 20 something loser idc its fine then i got scared of something else but its whatever and now im sad i got scared buts its fine i just need to sleep, then tomorrow i can interact with ppl and then ill probably get upset by work but ill just sleep then its work but then ill sleep again and then i better do that essay. things r fine but not chill. i kind of just wish someone was just present and id be distracted but it is what itis iilldeal withit or not but ill be here either way.]

21/09/22

01:08
oh my god i swear to god if i lost that one book oh please dear god no i just wanted to find a little drawing and now im scared it's lost bc i wrote personal things in there oml pls plspls nooooo

OK NVM WE ALL GOOD AND I GOT THE DRAWINGS


ok so this is vanessa and sun from fnaf i wish they got more screentime in sb bc they had sm potential (OH SPEAKING OF I NEED TO FORMAT THE WHITE WOMAN JUMPSCARE LORE HERE SOMEDAY LMAO) and really all i want is an enemies to besties with these goofballs. like they weirdly parallel eachother and sun goes SECURITY ALERT WOOWOOWOO and they don't even interact?? im sorry to admit i'm the scum of the earth i take an interest in all the lame not OG parts of fnaf which really means i dig and get endlessly frustrated with the books and post fnaf 6 lore and fuck you i do like the humans and depressing corporate antics and stupid sea bonnies i dont care. i hate it bc i think the post fnaf 6 stuff tries to replicate the "old" fnaf feel but honestly i just want them to have some decent writing (please im begging just hire someone from ao3 atp ffs. i have no idea if they're just shitting around either, because dude the matt birthing a springtrap, having "you're not like other girls" as a dialogue, the seabonnies like idk whats worse, them genuinely trying to get under our skin or some stupid meta "fuck you stupid fans" humour? either way i'm not paying for any more of this, r/freemediaheckyeah has got me), exploration of faz ent itself (hehe i just wanna make fun of the executives like whats goin on) and uhh not throwing away fine pieces of info (vanessa email lore bro). i don't really like interacting with the fnaf fandom at all, but i do keep a segment in my brain to allow the franchise to rot it to pieces. i enjoy it most when i figure stuff out on my own, which is most the time because i think i'm the only one who cares that much about vanessa.

ah shit i've rambled about fnaf whatever this is my site i do what i want, i may even expand the vanessa section to like a fnaf one hmmm


mother miranda from resident evil village. idc if she's like the actually evil one all along yadda yadda i really don't lmao i love her sm. i wish she got more screentime bc her model is so detailed and pretty.

so yeah some doodlesfrom earlier. rn i'm not really focussing on drawing, but if i do i just want to do it on my own and only use like pinterest for references and stuff like that and just not compare myself to others.

03:55
i shoulr sleep. tomorrrow i should work on my essay or learn more website making bc i love this site so much or i could read and get some sun as well as wash my hair. ohhhh i should work on the gaiters/spats i need to make theother side of the pattern. good night <3

18:18
yay i got to stay home. chill day, but wasn't productive and now i'm just dreading work even though it's in two days. i just don't want to go to a place where people just kinda see me as an obstacle even though i try. im just not good at stuff but im also not good at interacting with groups. some random stranger? yeah if its only one or two. but a whole bunch of people gossiping no not really. i don't know how to navigate this stuff.

[useles waffle]

[work waffle]

20:04
[paranoid about things watching me]

20/09/22

17:10
felt sick and stayed home today. i made a vanilla cake and a new lampshade though. i have an assignment i haven't started that's due yesterday but i don't fail the unit unless i don't get it done by next monday so it's chill. i'm still feeling pretty drained, i think i have a slight fever, and idk everything aches. it could be because i've walked alot lately and hayfever and not being used to work but eh it is what it is and i'm happy i had the day to myself to work on baking and making that lampshade. i also lurked around online and man its just concerning. i think i'll make a section just for tips online, geared towards tweens who find themselves in online shitholes. or people my age so 16 not much older but just young people in general. i see alot of like general advisories you know the ones the govt and schools make, but often its too late and not really specific to the situations i see a lot.

anyways i'll show you guys the stuff i made


ok so this is the cake it's not flattering and i didn't have icing but ngl it was really nice when it was warm and fluffy i ate like over half of this mini cake lol i snacked on it like a minecraft cake.


scuffed lamp lol. with how i did stuff the measurements didn't really matter. i just searched up how to refurbish a lampshade and its just tracing the shape on a bigass piece of paper (if u only have a4 just tape like 6 together whenever doing like anything) then transferring that stencil/pattern onto the fabric.


pinning it to the fabric. i really reccomend just not shit scissors like i have to invest in some good scissors lol. ohh also another tip if you have no idea what ur doing is have an iron on hand so you can use creases as guidelines and also so the fabric isnt creased ofc its just uselful.


ok so i did some sort of seam to connect the thingies idk i forgor the name and glued on the trims and stuff with hot glue gun and my advice is idk if u can sew it on (i havent tried this but sounds bigbrain) or have a glue meant for this stuff bc hot glue guns are soooo messy man.


i used pegs to keep stuff in place as i was gluing


ok so here it is with a not matching blue led light lol. but im happy with it even if its a bit messy. i want to fill up the empty red space with something else but i'll figure it out when i go shopping next. also need to swap out bulbs.

21:35
i guess i should put handwriting practice stuff in here too. i'm trying to learn cursive. don't know what i'd use it for. cute letters, but to where. maybe nowhere or anywhere and randos could just pick it up. like those rock things... but letters.


signing vel looks better than my real name. i probably won't ever change my name and getting used to it but for ages when i was only interacting with people online people only called me vel and i think its just how i see myself now. oh and my school number kind of vibes with me. okay both examples are just kind of sad but whatever.

23:11
so many cyberians on this site who are really good at web stuff wow

19/09/22

17:33
today was good, i got to hang out with my friend, who i hope will be alright tonight. we got food, i bought some stuff and got to walk around their neighbourhood. and the neighbourhood is what i really wanna talk abt. its so peaceful, and every road is curved (im not driving on it so not my problem) and has little cute side parks and its near a golf course and its just wonderful in the spring sunset. the houses were so cool too, their gardens were awesome and the houses had like cute details and all i wanted to do was picnic. is it so bad to daydream about having morning tea on lofty grass with an S/O and dogs/cats? i just want to soak in the sun in a pretty dress and watch the clouds go by. like uhhh cottagecore but also not because idk shit about farming (also don't want to deal with aesthetic labelling idk i just do what i do) and i dont really wanna be in a rural area until i know what im doing. i dont know. honestly i dont really care where im at as long as it isnt too bad and im not alone. [i said something but idk and youll never know if you havent seen. infer whatever if u want]

[more editing to make it vaguer incase i show someone this site hahah you thought and ye editing isin these brackets btw]

[idk i was saying feelings about stuff cuz i feel like i don't have guidance bc i've been screwed over with trying to find ppl who understand and it's like ok i'll guide myself i'll help myself but i'm not sure how bc there's no like manual for stuff. ive accepted things but what do i do now lol.]

apologies in advance if all i do is talk about myself, this site is mainly for myself to keep files and learn website making and its not my place to be talking about other people's stuff here so yea. also this the rambley diary section soooo

18/09/22

[im gonna edit stuff cuz i was mad and mightve come off toostrong also good to reflect and correct. if toastytech man can do it so am i lmao.

ok i was tlaking abt how last shift (from originally writing this) was rly bad and i burnt myself and im getting taxed bc ppl lost the documents and i was mad bc well alot of money is taken bc of that, and i made sure to fill in and hand in stuff on time. idk what happened but the fact the ppl never admitted it was their wrongdoing or even if it was someone higher if they explained instead of demanding docs people handed in already. sometimes i feel like immad for the sake of it and maybe i am but the more i think about it the more i realise im kinda right for being annoyed. like is it the end of the world...?? no not at all but jfc just admit someone mishandled something cuz i handed those papers in! not the situation to be going all caps and shit. its just giving red flags. may the Lord keep those documents safe cuz i think someone would have a problem if some randos (and not the ones we uhh legally consent with 1000page terms and conditions bc they can do whatever they want) got ahold of this stuff.]

e[ditinggng by future me. i was talking about the hate triangle of customer, worker and corporation and how sad it is and also how i hate my job but grateful bc recruiters for any other industry r picky mfers.]

anyways today i made myself breakfast, an egg and cheese melty thing idk it was nice. i got called by some online friends but then this scary dude came on and all his friends so i left before they tried anything because i don't know its just bad vibes and the dude is just some loser who really takes online conquests seriously. i knew that dude for awhile, but he didn't recognise me and i don't know if you know the doomerscape and what its like youll get it. anyways now im just working on this site. it makes me happy. i'm learning stuff and active exp. i need to try learn more skills because diep.io isn't really an applicable skill lol. so i wanna work on this, and also textile stuff, and making accessories. i'll post progress on this leg shoe thingy idkit has a name but im making the patterns for that. i also wanna make gloves. and replacemy lampshade yuh im working on that too. i also wanna work on my room and make stuff for that and get into reading more. so uhhh a few things but i'm here to take my time because its stuff i actually wanna do and im not held back by like say if making this site was an assignment nah fuck that.

sorry this is so long but its the first entry but im also working on just idk how to say it im just rambling but its my site hehe i do what i want and if it doesnt make sense then know that in a few days it wont make sense to me either so im just gonna get into it. i think accepting that its not going to be easy or pleasant and ill have to start over again and again is important to making a better path for myself. and self compassion. its hard to do good things for people you want to ram into a car with lol. so i guess things i want to work on myself for 1) is being nice to future me and making things easier, 2) do the action like writing my resume instead of waiting to get fired haha, 3) not taking obligations i cant uphold especially emotional ones. i wish i could put what i just wrote into a list but until i figure out how the span stuff works, its not possible to integrate it into the p thingy.

16:36
[ok future me editing i was talking abt not liking work bc i let ppl down and how i think its affecting my health like i just feel like shit before during and after :D i just also feel genuinely bad for the ppl who work with mebc im new i dont know shit and i dont know how to just be apart of the gossip and dont want to get into any dramas i just idk i just wanna gtfo.]

22:33
[roblox forums waffle]